(This is a little piece I’d like to call inventory. Sometimes that’s what you have to do, I know I don’t do it enough…just sit back and look at everything with fresh eyes. Measure your progress. Gains. Losses. Victories. Failures. Re-calibrate and start over. For those who care this is just a raw piece of documentation of such. Maybe you’ll hear it or maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll get it or maybe you won’t. This is for those who care, and some who don’t.)
There was a time when I was near death
And I drug through every day like there was nothing left
But I’m in school now i need time to de-stress
Take a knife to the wound and drain the fluid off the Abscess
A wise woman named Mary J. Blige said no more drama in my life…I think she had the right idea
How could you criticize a man for his greatest assets?
You want what you want, but you get what you get
Women claim they want sensitive men
The ones who will pick up a pen
Spill all of their emotions
Then they label the same men as homosexuals or punks
Like we can’t feel too
That’s not a privilege that’s due
Mind games you’d like to play
But my turn is through
Never get to roll the dice
My choice isn’t left to choose
Next thing you’ll tell me that Jesus is about to turn up
And I’m thinking to myself he should hurry the hell up
Cause if the government doesn’t shut down first
It’s crazy all the emotions you can feel in 1 year
Like, I was looking at the world from a distance
Had some opportunities, and I was scared shitless
Once again, here we are, it’s the same me
Just a different time and a different story
Now it’s all about the goals instead of the struggle
But the struggle I see, is something that’s taking me exactly where I need to be.
I still don’t have the heart to pick up the phone and call my dad
I don’t think he has the heart to start something that he never had
As if he needs to hear it from me
As if he tried and I didn’t give him the time of the day of the fucking week
If you feel guilty enough to throw money at me it’s whatever
Because if anyone owes me it’s you, you better think about the consequences your actions carry.
I wish you had thought of that when you decided to marry…but it’s whatever now.
I thought about how I’ve been trying to replace you with friends and people that I deemed as better than you.
I got a lot of friends over the age of 50. My mom said that I want some of these white men to take care of me.
Like I’ve abandoned my culture, on some race relations bs.
Like I had a responsibility to be the poster child for single parent success.
You know…Mr. Denzel swag, with some Ellen White in his hand bag.
Fuck around and have the whole city converted
Like Jesus was on my name tag.
And my lyrics so disrespectful, you should go ahead and sneeze cause my presence blessed you.
Judge if you want, but this is how I vent.
After 24 years, I don’t want to make my mark
I’d rather leave a dent.
(I promise…just one more verse and I’ll let you go.)
It’s been a few years since my cousin and I spoke.
He’s had a rough time, maybe I should bring the hope
Things change but people never do
You are who you are, you can only be you
Haven’t called my grandma in a while
I wonder if she wonders if I still love her
She’s got issues that she can’t keep undercover
Maybe that makes her better than me.
Maybe she doesn’t mind and knows more than what I can see.
Some people forgot that I was still here.
I think they see me as a child still consumed with fear.
Like I’m not a young man trying to persevere.
Like if you did me a favor out of the kindness of your heart
Like you had some extra funds and could throw some over here.
Still I appreciate every blessing I’ve had and everything that is coming
I never asked for help or expected nothing
But I’m not to proud recognize that I need it
I’m someone’s willing to give, then I’m willing to receive it
If that makes me a pussy I guess the perception is yours
I know who I am, I’m just trying to reach the door
I wonder how many people I actually know
But that’s out of my control
So I’m letting it go.
Nothing is stopping you.
Nothing is stopping me so what are we gonna do?
Just one more step like Tim told me.
It’s just another check off of my inventory.